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Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Mitch Hedberg Quotes About Banana, Rice, Dreams, Death, Duck, Funny, & Donut! Mitch Hedberg was one of the most well-known personalities in the world of comedy, having achieved significant success in the field in a brief period. He was famous for his distinct style and delivery, which distinguished him from the other comedians of his day and helped him become a major star. In 1968, he was born in the Minnesota city of St. Paul.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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His rapid speech, along with his outlandish stage presence, caused the crowd to burst out laughing as soon as he came on stage. His writing was also concise and original, with one or two punch lines interspersed among bizarre elements and non-sequiturs. In addition, the majority of his jokes were based on real-life ideas and experiences.

Comedy album “Do You Believe in Gosh?” released posthumously on the Top Comedy Albums and Top Independent Albums charts. The Billboard 200 and the Top Internet Albums charted it at number 18. Through his weird humor and unique way of delivering jokes, he became many people’s favorite. As soon as he started telling the joke, his audience was so excited that they would shout out the punch lines before he could finish the joke! Hedberg was a big hit with both the audience and other comedians. George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, Doug Stanhope, Mike Birbiglia, and Lewis Black were all fans.

He was meant to be a great person, but his life was cut short because of his drug addiction. He was 37 when he died from an overdose of drugs. He avoided eye contact with the audience by wearing sunglasses, bowing his head, wearing his hair in his face or closing his eyes when performing as a stand-up comic in America.

Best Mitch Hedberg Quotes

1. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg

2. “A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.” – Mitch Hedberg

3. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” – Mitch Hedberg

4. “I like to close my eyes on the stage because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.” – Mitch Hedberg

5. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” – Mitch Hedberg

6. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.” – Mitch Hedberg

7. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.” – Mitch Hedberg

8. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having.” – Mitch Hedberg

9. “I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny.” – Mitch Hedberg

10. “If you find yourself lost in the woods, f*ck it, build a house. “Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!” – Mitch Hedberg

11. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!” – Mitch Hedberg

12. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” – Mitch Hedberg

13. “It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?” – Mitch Hedberg

14. “I love blackjack. But I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.” – Mitch Hedberg

15. “Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’” – Mitch Hedberg

16. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.” – Mitch Hedberg

17. “Dogs are forever in the push-up position.” – Mitch Hedberg

18. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.” – Mitch Hedberg

19. “People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.” – Mitch Hedberg

20. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” – Mitch Hedberg

21. “I was gonna stay overnight at my friend’s house, he said “You’re going to have to sleep on the floor. Damn gravity. Got me again!” – Mitch Hedberg

22. “My roommate said to me, ‘I’m gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.” – Mitch Hedberg

23. “I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said, “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open.” – Mitch Hedberg

24. “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.” – Mitch Hedberg

25. “On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana, it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’” – Mitch Hedberg

26. “I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.” – Mitch Hedberg

27. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.” – Mitch Hedberg

28. “I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.” – Mitch Hedberg

29. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.” – Mitch Hedberg

30. “My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?” – Mitch Hedberg

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